Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The latest news from Palookaville

By The Paperboy May 19, 2013


(PP)- Officials from the Internal Revenue Service will announce Monday they have agreed to the sale of certain medical records to the popular Internet dating site Match.com in an effort to raise funds to pay for the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA), commonly known as Obamacare.

After the largest unfunded expansion of the federal government since 1965 when Medicare and Medicaid were established, Obamacare officials plan to raise funds for the massive nanny state program by selling the names of individuals currently using the popular medication Viagra to    Match.com for an undisclosed price.

“President Obama understands that Obamacare will fail unless we find a way to pay doctors to provide medical treatment for patients who won’t pay them without federal government assistance,” said an IRS-Viagra-Match.com representative.

“Doctors will simply quit and become plumbers, electricians or politicians if they don’t get paid, and we thought we had the funding covered by targeting groups like registered Republicans who resisted the Obamacare plan. But last week’s news stories created serious problems for that revenue stream.”

Representatives from Match.com were unavailable for comment, but the company will presumably use the information to solicit men who are at the ready, at least once per day between 30 minutes and 4 hours, to engage with their unattended female premium members.

“I try to use Match.com at least once a week to get a date, but a lot of times men are unable to make things happen with a 42 year old, 398 pound Samoan grandmother,” said a member going by the name of “Pleasantly Plump in Palookaville.”

“I would be willing to pay for a premium subscription to any dating web site if I could pre-screen the fellas who are always prepared to give me the proper attention, at least once per date between 30 minutes and 4 hours.”

 Critics of the proposed sale of private medical records of all Viagra users say that IRS officials have gone too far, and have trampled on many American’s right to privacy.

Naturally, government lawyers believe the vast Obamacare laws are unambiguous.

“Buried in the text of the Obamacare Exchange bill is a tiny section allowing free-flow sharing of all data the government has on you, and there is no limit to the agencies that can share data,” offered an IRS-Viagra-Match.com attorney.

“There is no limit to the data that can be shared, and there is no limit with whom the data may be shared. Any Obamacare Exchange can sell whatever data they want about the people who utilize this government system, and every American, except elected officials, by law must utilize the Obamacare system.”

Additional language in the bill discloses government officials may also use the data to monitor patients and doctors, and to coerce physician compliance with government treatment protocols, including guidelines making Viagra usage mandatory for premium members of Match.com.

“I’m a little bit concerned and confused because I don’t need or use Viagra… I mean, will I be profiled as non-compliant by Obamacare if I sign up for Match.com and don’t check the box saying I use Viagra?” said a very popular premium member using the effective name, “King Tripod.”

“What if I’m not completely truthful on my Match.com profile… can I go to federal prison for making myself look awesome and don’t require a little blue pill?”

“And what if I start using Viagra to comply with the Obamacare-Viagra-Match.com guidelines and it works for longer than 4 hours? Does Obamacare provide coverage to treat that complication, or am I on my own to find treatment in some dark and dangerous back alley?”

The Palookaville Post has learned that, yes… you may in fact end up in federal prison for not disclosing correct information regarding your Viagra use on a Match.com premium member application.

Also, since Obamacare only covers treatment for Viagra users up to a 4 hour period and the patient is then referred to a death panel for symptoms lasting longer than 4 hours; doctors recommend patients seek their own “back-alley” treatment to deal with the serious medical problem.

Posted by Ace Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsentwins


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