By The Paperboy May 19, 2013
(PP)- Officials from the Internal Revenue Service
will announce Monday they have agreed to the sale of certain medical
records to the popular Internet dating site Match.com in an effort to
raise funds to pay for the Patient Protection and Affordable Care
Act (PPACA), commonly known as Obamacare.
After the largest unfunded expansion of the federal
government since 1965 when Medicare and Medicaid were established,
Obamacare officials plan to raise funds for the massive nanny state program by
selling the names of individuals currently using the popular medication Viagra
to Match.com for an undisclosed price.
“President Obama understands that Obamacare will
fail unless we find a way to pay doctors to provide medical treatment for
patients who won’t pay them without federal government assistance,” said an
IRS-Viagra-Match.com representative.
“Doctors will simply quit and become plumbers,
electricians or politicians if they don’t get paid, and we thought we had the
funding covered by targeting groups like registered Republicans who resisted
the Obamacare plan. But last week’s news stories created serious problems for
that revenue stream.”
Representatives from Match.com were unavailable for
comment, but the company will presumably use the information to solicit
men who are at the ready, at least once per day between 30 minutes and 4
hours, to engage with their unattended female premium members.
“I try to use Match.com at least once a week to get
a date, but a lot of times men are unable to make things happen with a 42 year
old, 398 pound Samoan grandmother,” said a member going by the name of
“Pleasantly Plump in Palookaville.”
“I would be willing to pay for a premium
subscription to any dating web site if I could pre-screen the fellas who
are always prepared to give me the proper attention, at least once per date
between 30 minutes and 4 hours.”
Critics of the proposed sale of private medical
records of all Viagra users say that IRS officials have gone too far, and have
trampled on many American’s right to privacy.
Naturally, government lawyers believe the vast
Obamacare laws are unambiguous.
“Buried in the text of the Obamacare Exchange bill
is a tiny section allowing free-flow sharing of all data the government has on
you, and there is no limit to the agencies that can share data,” offered an
IRS-Viagra-Match.com attorney.
“There is no limit to the data that can be shared,
and there is no limit with whom the data may be shared. Any Obamacare
Exchange can sell whatever data they want about the people who utilize this
government system, and every American, except elected officials, by law must
utilize the Obamacare system.”
Additional language in the bill discloses government
officials may also use the data to monitor patients and doctors, and to coerce
physician compliance with government treatment protocols, including guidelines
making Viagra usage mandatory for premium members of Match.com.
“I’m a little bit concerned and
confused because I don’t need or use Viagra… I mean, will I be profiled as
non-compliant by Obamacare if I sign up for Match.com and don’t check the box
saying I use Viagra?” said a very popular premium member using the effective
name, “King Tripod.”
“What if I’m not completely truthful on my Match.com
profile… can I go to federal prison for making myself look awesome and don’t
require a little blue pill?”
“And what if I start using Viagra to comply with the
Obamacare-Viagra-Match.com guidelines and it works for longer than 4 hours?
Does Obamacare provide coverage to treat that complication, or am I on my own
to find treatment in some dark and dangerous back alley?”
The Palookaville Post has learned that, yes… you may
in fact end up in federal prison for not disclosing correct information
regarding your Viagra use on a Match.com premium member application.
Also, since Obamacare only covers treatment for
Viagra users up to a 4 hour period and the patient is then referred to a death
panel for symptoms lasting longer than 4 hours; doctors recommend patients seek
their own “back-alley” treatment to deal with the serious medical problem.
Ace
Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsentwins
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